3/30/09:
Here we are, at the beginning of another week that brings in with it yet another month– how lucky we are! The end of March vacillates between rain, clouds, more rain, and sun. Here the forsythia bushes are blooming and other shrubs and trees are concentrating on their own displays in the making. The plant world around us beckons, part of the the physical world we regard as inanimate and lacking in the centrality of being which we possess, beckons us, again.
My friend Carol returned to the hospital Friday, making an unscheduled pit-stop along the way to her stem cell transplant procedure. She will be there now for about 2 weeks, getting 7 more plasma exchange treatments, working on standing her ground.
The picture is a cover of one of photographer Helen Levitt's books. Helen lived 95 years, passing away this last weekend. If you click on the picture you can go to a site with a slide show of a number of her photos from years gone by. I think you will enjoy them.
The Sovereignty and the Goodness of God, Together with the Faithfulness of His Promises Displayed
In the beginning
there was a meanness and it spread.
Perhaps I absorbed it, so that whatever I saw
was filtered through the meanness.
I don't mean "stingy," stinginess,
as do British novelists, by the way.
Although a lacking generosity–
the ability to will that there be
someone Other than Oneself was certainly
a kind of cause.
In the beginning, then,
it was willed that I not be.
This shamed me, however good
an act I learned to put on.
And now it is fifty years later.
I have a profound interest in freedom, I notice,
and an urgent sense of little time.
Little time. Near Little Gidding.
I ween ken reckon have on
the British women novelists I have loved.
I have to mean their novels, of course.
"Queen of the Tambourine." "The Vacillations of Poppy Carew."
"Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit."
Behold, how the outcast makes good.
"Time" is a word. "Love" is a word.
Between them are words and between them
an entrance. I pray to be
entranced, starting right now again I do.
I am old enough to understand
being willing
to go on is a great gift.
– Liz Waldner
3/28/09:
Today is a wonderful somber, rain-filled day, quiet and full of peace. This may be so mostly because I am home and I have little on my agenda for the day. I thought about getting my camera and taking a picture out the living room window of the wet world outside, the puddled rain flying up into the air around the tires of cars driving by. It takes effort to get up, go to where my camera is down stairs, take pictures, plug in the camera to download what I have done, etc. I declined the effort and searched for "rain" pictures on the internet– who would have thought one of the first pictures to appear would be of red rain?
Knowledge rains upon my head, sometimes it enters, mostly it runs off after twisting through my hair. Red rain. The picture to the left is of red rain droplets. You can click on it for some information or click to Wikipedia for their discussion. Sometimes I think about ideas from the Middle Ages, or at the time of the birth of our nation. Blood letting, the place of this world in the astronomical scheme of things, you know, ideas long gone. Mankind does not often realize at the time how primitive he is, how little we really know, still. Red rain. Interesting.
The following poem is from one of many poets enjoyed by A. Alvarez and mentioned in his book I recently read. I liked it, maybe you will too.
I Would Like to Describe
I would like to describe the simplest emotion
joy or sadness
but not as others do
reaching for shafts of rain or sun
I would like to describe a light
which is being born in me
but I know it does not resemble
any star
for it is not so bright
not so pure
and is uncertain
I would like to describe courage
without dragging behind me a dusty lion
and also anxiety
without shaking a glass full of water
to put it another way
I would give all metaphors
in return for one word
drawn out of my breast like a rib
for one word
contained within the boundaries
of my skin
but apparently this is not possible
and just to say - I love
I run around like mad
picking up handfuls of birds
and my tenderness
which after all is not made of water
asks the water for a face
and anger
different from fire
borrows from it
a loquacious tongue
so is blurred
so is blurred
in me
what white-haired gentlemen
separated once and for all
and said
this is the subject
and this is the object
we fall asleep
with one hand under our head
and with the other in a mound of planets
our feet abandon us
and taste the earth
with their tiny roots
which next morning
we tear out painfully
— Zbigniew Herbert
3/27/09:
My old friend Carol is hoping to get a stem cell transplant near the end of May. She has battled what for many years was diagnosed as MS but a couple of years ago was determined to have a similar disease called Devic's Disease. This change in diagnosis was good news because Devic's does not have the cognitive losses often experienced as MS advances. Unfortunately Devic's is a relentless disease and Carol has had 3 severe episodes in the last year, leading to hospitalization for plasma exchange. Carol has returned to walking from being paralyzed many times— she is a cheerful, strong and valiant fighter who is by now pretty exhausted. Carol has excellent health insurance and is submitting for her insurance company to cover her stem cell transplant treatment. She has been told most insurance companies initially deny claims, then agree after appeal. We do not yet know how her insurer will respond on this first submittal, but nonetheless there will be significant left over costs that will require fundraising to cover. Yes, there is more to come. Solicitations are in the offing here, for money, blessings, prayers, and anything else you have to offer.
I told Carol one time I was at a clinic and a patient was being taken out on a gurney by 911 ambulance staff through the waiting room. A guy in the waiting room looked up as the gurney came out and said something like "hey man" as the man on the gurney nodded in greeting. "Haven't seen you for a while" was followed by another nod, although I can't remember who spoke and who nodded. As the gurney passed on through the exit door the man in the waiting room looked down to return to reading his magazine, saying "keep sucking air man". Yes, keep sucking air, it's as simple as that. Keep sucking air, and buying Lotto tickets.
I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.— Fran Lebowitz
3/25/09:
It has been nice having our living room elevated higher than the rest of the house. We look out our back windows, over the backyard fence, into the field behind us and past the road to another field, the dike, and the many power pole perches within eyesight. Closer to us we can see red tailed hawks perched, looking down into the fields for the movement of mice, while farther away eagles perch, gazing into the river for fish.
A while back I saw a heron in the field behind us as I passed in my car on the way to work. He stood there not too far from the road, as if just waiting for me to pass by. He took me by complete surprise the first day and, since I am not a morning person, he took me by complete surprise the second day too. He only mildly surprised me the third day, as I passed and muttered to myself about needing to take a picture. He has been there on my way to work only twice since then, but has recently shown up in view from our living room, spending time in the field during the day. This evening as I fixed dinner Jay saw him again so I got my camera. Alas, he was too small and far away to show up much. Luckily other folks have captured nice pictures and I borrowed a picture of a Great Blue Heron that is up and to the left. Isn't he cute? If you are interested in investing large amounts of money in beautiful Audubon watercolors you can click on the picture and view some lovely offerings.
There are a lot of sayings I heard in my childhood that just are not said anymore– have you noticed that? It is challenging to come up with an example just now, hard to think of something that is not said anymore. Sometimes it seems like life has gone to the birds, but maybe that is a good thing. Later...
I
Up they soar, the planet's butterflies,
pigments from the warm body of the earth,
cinnabar, ochre, phosphor yellow, gold
a swarm of basic elements aloft.
Is this flickering of wings only a shoal
of light particles, a quirk of perception?
Is it the dreamed summer hour of my childhood
shattered as by lightning lost in time?
No, this is the angel of light, who can paint
himself as dark mnemosyne Apollo,
as copper, hawkmoth, swallowtail.
I see them with my blurred understanding
as feathers in the coverlet of haze
in Brajcino Valley's noon-hot air.
— Inger Christensen, Translated by Susanna Nied
3/23/09:
Okay, the lentil stew turned out yummy using vegetable broth instead of just water plus adding carrots, as Jay had suggested I do. It is the most stew-like non-meat stew I have made or had. Hope you get a chance to enjoy it too.
I went to the Lincoln Theatre Friday night to catch a movie to start off my weekend, seeing "Last Chance Harry" with Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson. I stopped at the mall on the way to the show because I had a coupon for a free panty at Victoria's Secret. I was almost late for the movie because, since I was at the mall, I stopped to check the Macy's sale racks and found I was there for the first day of their big sale– 50% off sale prices. I did pick up a casual top for $4, then had to run on my way.
We went to a party at my old friend Kate's significant other's home Saturday evening and enjoyed snacks and reparté. I gave Kate the book I finished the night before so she could give it to her mom, who has similar reading tastes to mine. It was an autobiography by Al Alvarez, English poet, critic, and author of The Savage God. It was interesting to read of his childhood days growing up during the bombings of London and his take on being part of my parents' generation. Al writes about a huge number of artists and writers he got know over a long and active life. I liked it.
I have re-started swimming given that I cannot exercise on the elliptical and arc trainer machines with my ankle problems. I have to be careful and limit my crawl stroke so as not to aggravate my old, gimpy right shoulder. I made it swimming Sunday for the third time in a week. I sleep great after swimming.
Spring sprang since my last entry, giving permission for some local bushes to start flowering. The field of daffodils across from The Mexico Cafe has also begun to hint at the deep, vibrant yellow the entire field will soon become, almost the color of good old American mustard as the flowers open wide in unison. As always, more to come. Ciao.
"Happiness writes white. It does not show up on the page." When I first came across those words of Montherlant I typed them out in 20-point letters and pinned them beside my desk...I sometimes feel I've led my life back to front, atoning for my sins before I committed them. My first 30 years, when almost nothing went right, were purgatory. They seemed to go on for ever and I couldn't get out. The last 40 have passed in no time at all. A blur of years, all written in white.— Al Alvarez
3/18/09:
I have been hobbling around at home and work, gaining nicknames like "boot", "storm-trooper" and "thumper". Jay has been enjoying himself mimicking the sound of me clomping about. I am a traveling comedy show.
Jay and I went to see the Frost/Nixon movie last Sunday. As is his norm, Ron Howard did a nice job. We thought it was well done and it certainly brought back memories that had receded despite the pain Nixon caused all those years ago. It made me marvel at the parade of presidents I have seen in my lifetime and wonder about many things. This country seems to eventually come to its senses, but only slowly. The movie is worth catching.
I like to save recipes I run across on the internet and try new ones every once in a while when I get it together. Recently I was interested in cooking with lentils and found a recipe for a cabbage lentil stew. Cooked cabbage is a very nice addition to stir fry and it too has lots of good things nutritionally. I made this stew a few weeks ago and loved it, while Jay found it good enough to eat again– not as big a fan as myself. I am going to make it again in the next day or two, maybe leave the hot pepper flakes out for me to add just to my own bowl, and maybe use vegetable broth rather than plain water... yes, an adventure you may partake in yourself by clicking the soup picture for the recipe. Soup is a wonderful comfort food, filling and usually healthy. Enjoy, later man.
People are, if anything, more touchy about being thought silly than they are about being thought unjust.— EB White
3/14/09:
The foot/ankle MRI picture in my 3/8/09 entry was just one I pulled off the internet, but the one here is my very own and links to a larger version. Jay put the arrow in the picture so you can see the area of concern, a small piece of bone that does not appear attached to anything. The radiologist who read the MRI reported it was something I likely was born with, my orthopedic MD however thought it looked more like a broken piece because the edges were not smooth.
Nonetheless, the treatment for the moment is the same regardless of how the MRI is interpreted– reduce pressure on the area, inject with steroid, and wear an air cast like the one to the right for 6 to 8 weeks. If there is no improvement then the knife will be considered... I see the ortho doctor again April 3rd, meanwhile I wear this storm trooper boot everywhere except to bed and driving. The ankle adventure continues, more later about it.
The sunny, balmy weather of the past few days gave up the ghost. Today is rainy with periods of blowing nastiness and more of the same is expected for tomorrow. The field across the road from The Mexico Cafe seems to be planted with different crops every year. We recently could see a hint of the mystery crop planted there last year– yes, definitely flowers. The sun of the last few days shed more light, seeing bits of yellow in the bulging green flower buds. Yes, daffodils are on the way. Ciao.
Deep in their roots, all flowers keep the light.— Theodore Roethke
3/12/09:
A couple of inches of snow fell gently most of Monday whilst I worked. Much of the snow remains on the ground in the shade and ices the parking lot. The last couple of days have blazed with one of those winter suns, the bright sunshine making the air feel balmy before the dark evening and night bring temperatures in the 20s.
It has been a week adjusting to not only this battle between winter and spring but also to the loss of that precious, stolen hour purloined from last weekend.
The first of our crocuses captured by Jay today, linking to the source for the following poem. Enjoy :)
WITNESS
I saw that a star had broken its rope
in the stables of heaven--
This homeless one will find her home
in the foothills of a green century.
Who sleeps beside still waters, wakes.
The terrestrial hands of the heaven clock
comb out the comet's tangled mane
and twelve strands float free.
In the absence of light and gravity,
slowly as dust, or the continents' drift,
sinuous, they twine a text,
one letter to an eon:
I am the dawn horse.
Ride me.
— Liz Waldner
3/8/09:
Back late in 2002 I was living in a third story apartment accessed by sheltered outdoor stairs. One afternoon I was heading out for a massage and then a date with a guy I had recently met in Mount Vernon. I slipped and fell back on the stairs, completely bending my right leg back and sitting on my flattened right foot. I was in great shape and simply stretched all the muscles along the front of my leg, making them a little sore for a while. I also had some swelling and pain in my right foot/ankle but was in a hurry to get on with the day. I never did see a doc. My ankle healed, returning to almost normal, just a little gimpy at times. Did I tell you this story back then?
Interestingly enough, on January 9th this year I went for a massage (everything is connected) and afterward my ankle ached a bit, maybe like it needed to shift back into place or something. The right ankle weirdness did not go away. Instead the ankle swelled a bit, got a little discolored, got even worse the one time I tried to exercise, and hurt most of the time. Sigh. The ankle continues to hurt and I have not exercised for a long time. I saw an ortho doc a couple of weeks ago, she injected the ankle with something like lidocaine to see if the area she anesthetized no longer hurt so she could figure it out better— bingo, it did hurt much less and she announced that I had won an MRI. I had the MRI last Thursday and will meet with my ortho doc Wednesday to find out what is up. Meanwhile I tend to have a little limp when walking very far, like across a parking lot or in a grocery store, and I gasp "ow" as I go up the stairs to our living area. This story will continue...
The MRI ankle photo links to a story about a lady who alleges she was swindled by a mortgage assistance company. Who needs government regulations when the world is filled with so many good capitalist boys and girls?
We start yet another new week in this year 2009, hopefully a week with calm productivity and some fun. Best wishes.
Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.— Kurt Vonnegut
3/7/09:
Last weekend was mild-weathered and Jay planted 2 service berry bushes along our west property line where we had some Jurassic-sized ornamental quinces removed a couple of years ago. Those bushes were prolific, spilling out onto the road shortly after being cut back. The service berry bushes are supposed to be smaller, flower in the spring and have nice color in the fall— with berries in between. The berries are supposed to be similar to blueberries, so we are hoping they are nice to eat and freeze, otherwise they will become food for the birds. Today we have had some snow and sleet mixed with rain. Maybe along with the shorter daylight-savings night more spring-like weather will settle in. Time will tell.
Meanwhile the voices of hatred have come out in full force this past week, stating they hope our new President's efforts will fail. It's interesting that those who declare themselves anointed with holy patriotism wish for our country to go down the tubes in order to prove their point of view is correct. Of course the most vulgar of these people is Rush Limbaugh, self proclaimed expert on everything. If you click on his name you can see an article about his mistakenly quoting the Declaration of Independence as being content from the US Constitution. You can just look at his red, scowling face and know Rush has good intentions, at least some people must think so, or why else would they listen to him?
The picture above is one I found of a service berry bush, if you click on it you can go to newscientist.com and read a report about who looks at internet porn. It reports: "Those states that do consume the most porn tend to be more conservative and religious than states with lower levels of consumption, the study finds. 'Some of the people who are most outraged turn out to be consumers of the very things they claimed to be outraged by,' [Benjamin] Edelman says." Newscientist.com carries nice short pieces about new findings in lots of different science areas, this piece veering off their beaten path a bit. Ciao.
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.— Voltaire, 1694-1778
3/4/09:
Anne Dancing
You sashay in, twenty years-old again,
Sweatshirt and jeans, eyes closed, a cat-like smile,
Self-satisfied, self-absorbed, hips swaying,
Weaving your intricate steps across
The intricate carpet. The merest glance
At me does it. You're a North American
College girl out on a date, a '50s-style
Dazzler - great legs, cute ass, sweet smile.
That's Satchmo playing
Your youth back loud and clear. You toss
Your greying, lovely head. You say, "Come on, let's dance."
— Al Alvarez
3/1/09:
Like you, I have tried to figure out over the years what is going on with the economy, national deficits, and political rhetoric. I have puzzled over many political accusations that made no sense, yet were repeated over and over, being reiterated by the media without examination until the accusations came to be treated as fact by duped Americans.
That said, draw your own conclusions from the following figures:
US Government Debt:
1960 - 1968 US Debt increased $61+ billion
1968 - 1976 US Debt increased $272+ billion
1976 - 1980 US Debt increased $287+ billion
1980 - 1992 US Debt increased $3 trillion, 156+ billion
1992 - 2000 US Debt increased $1 trillion, 600+ billion
1960 - 2000
5 Democratic Presidential Terms increased US Debt $1 trillion $948+ billion
5 Republican Presidential Terms increased US Debt $3 trillion $428+ billion
Take the link above to the US Government Treasury site and do your own math, then let me know if I added or subtracted wrong. I'm sure there are plenty of figures on the internet, along with lots of elucidating and non-elucidating rhetoric, but I wanted to look at the numbers myself, do some ciphering, and see if I could gain some clarity on the "tax and spend" labels. It was nice that both parties were in the White House equal amounts of time from 1960 to 2000. If you are curious, from 2000 to 2008 the US Debt increased $4 trillion, 350+ billion.
If you are one of the many people who feel President Obama's speeches lack in detail, especially as compared to his predecessor (I'm not sure if that's a joke or just plain sarcasm), you can find quite a bit of detail to read on the re-designed White House website. There is talk of how the US Debt vs. GDP set records in the last few years, this links to a graph that is interesting but I cannot vouch for its accuracy. For further figures you can click on the Maxine cartoon, it goes to an interesting CIA website. And maybe, just maybe that is enough information for now... more later, ciao.
I think you could graph the decline not only in morals, but in a sense of social éclat and social standards– I think you could plot the decline right next to the rise of the Dow Jones– the higher the Dow, the lower the standards. Money destroys all other values.— Norman Mailer in letter to Sal Cetrano 3/28/1999
Jardot's World: March Edition, 2009
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